A cool and good podcast in which 2 friends agonizingly make their way through the books of J.R.R. Tolkien:
The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, and beyond.

Every week on YOU! SHALL! NOT! PODCAST!, my friend Dan and I work our way, chapter by chapter, through the Tolkien legendarium. (OF COURSE he had his own special term to describe his collected works.)

Starting with the relative ease of The Hobbit and slowly descending into John Tolkien's growing obsessions and fetishes, we slog and stumble along, drinks in hand, discussing the highs and lows. Our own little Fellowship.

To help us sort out the madness along the way, we've put together a variety of useful barometers and talking points:

  • Tolkien Gestures – Highighting the more oft-repeated moves from J.R.R.'s bag of tricks. (e.g., Bird Ex Machina)
  • Please Describe The Leaves Some More, John Tolkien – A running account, across all books, of just how many times Tolkien says the name of a plant.
  • Hey Dol! Merry Dol! Ring A Dong Dillo – In which I perform each of Tolkien's lengthy, tuneless songs in whatever style I feel is right at the moment.
  • How Much Does Tolkien Want To Fuck This Horse / Sword / Gem / Very Occasionally A Woman – Scale of 1 to 10, based on length of description. (If it's a woman, how often are her "white arms" mentioned?)
  • How Many Damn Names Does This One Particular Thing Have – Like, does your sword really need 14 aliases, Aragorn?
  • Eagles Can't Carry Rings – And other narrative and logical fallacies.
  • Overhill and Underhill – Our personal picks for the most over- and underdescribed part of each chapter.
  • "I wish these books had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened." – Our least favorite bit of the chapter.
  • The Precious – The rare shining light in the darkness of each chapter.
  • The 1-Sentence Summary – Because you long for concision by the end of this.
  • Is Tom Bombadil In This Chapter? – The most important question of all.

This all started when I decided to give The Lord of the Rings another shot. The first time I'd read the trilogy, I'd been bored out of my skull, constantly skimming past what I considered to be a comical amount of filler: The side histories. The lengthy descriptions of foliage. The fucking songs. But now, I was older, I was more mature – maybe I'd finally get why these books were such a big deal.

Yeah, nope.

I'm one of those weirdos who can't leave a book unfinished, though, so I plowed on. But, as I did, I started texting Dan – a stalwart Tolkien fan; a human who has willingly read The Silmarillion – with my complaints and rants and conspiracy theories, asking him to please explain why he loved this trash.

These conversations were too fun to keep between us.

And thus a podcast was born.

Your 2 intrepid guides on this journey of wonder.

Dan and I first met at math and science boarding school, where we bonded over a shared knowledge of the lyrics to Fess Parker's "The Ballad of Davy Crockett."

Now friends for over 18 years, we keep the magic alive through our shared passion for horribly stupid, horribly wonderful things. Like sitting all the way through the Garfield: The Movie director's commentary. Or dressing up as Boba Fett for the premiere of non-Star-Wars movies.

A podcast was an ideal way to keep in touch from across the country, without either of us having to especially talk about our lives or feelings. (Also Dan seems to think it's going to win us some modicum of fame, which I remain skeptical about.)

A.K.A.:
The Tolkien Apologist

ROLE IN PODCAST:
Creator; Motivator; Voice of Reason; The One Patiently Explaning What Metaphors Are To Nate; The One Not So Mortified By Our Voices That He Can't Edit Episodes

NERD STREET CRED:
These sweet bat'leth moves.

FAVORITE FILM:
TBD

FAVORITE WRITTEN WORK:
TBD

FAVORITE VIDEO GAME:
TBD

FAVORITE TOLKIEN CHARACTER:
Tom Bombadil

LEAST-FAVORITE TOLKIEN CHARACTER:
TBD

OCCUPATION:
Definitely something with computers?

LIVES IN:
San Francisco, CA

TWEET AT HIM:
@dkador

A.K.A.:
The Tolkien Accuser

ROLE IN PODCAST:
The Angry One; The Shouty One; Generally The Drunker One; The One Who Sings All The Songs; Just A Real Treasure All Around, Basically; Webmaster

NERD STREET CRED:
Harry Potter tattoo, Seattle-Area Adult Pokémon Spelling Bee Champion

FAVORITE FILM:
Wizard People, Dear Reader

FAVORITE WRITTEN WORK:
Achewood

FAVORITE VIDEO GAME:
The new Tomb Raider. "All I want in this life is to be a beautiful lady shooting horrible men in the face with a bow and arrow."

FAVORITE TOLKIEN CHARACTER:
Tom Bombadil

LEAST-FAVORITE TOLKIEN CHARACTER:
Tolkien's Psycho-Sexual Obsession with Describing Paths

OCCUPATION:
Copywriter

LIVES IN:
Austin, TX

TWEET AT HIM:
@whateverdude

If, for some reason, you'd like to reach out – to heap praise on us, or, far more likely, to admonish us for our ongoing mistreatment of Gandalf's amazing horse companion Shadowfax (Prince of Horses) – there are several avenues with which to do so:

@SHALLNOTPODCAST,
the best place to get episode
updates, to keep up with advances
in Tolkien erotic fan art, and, of
course, to publicly troll us.
YOUSHALLNOTPODCAST @ gmail.com,
ideal for ongoing debates about
ephemera, for insulting us
personally, and, as always, for
trying to sell us boner pills.

If you are Christopher Tolkien and would like to appear as a guest on our show and defend your father's work, you may use our private number at 573.427.7432 (57-DIARRHEA). Please take extra heart medication in advance, because you are old as shit, and we are legit worried about murdering you.